One year.

How can it be that exactly one year ago you were looking into my soul with your big blue eyes telling me that all would be ok – just to breathe, momma.

How can it be that exactly one year ago we were anxiously awaiting the Texas Children’s Team to arrive at Darnell hospital so they could whisk you off to Houston for better care.

HOW can it be that on that exact same day, exactly one year ago, you left this world and took my heart with you. 365 days since I’ve heard that sweet cry, touched your face, rubbed your back, kissed your head, and held you in my arms.

Not a day goes by that I don’t tell you I love you, that I miss you, or that you are so deeply missed. Most days I’m honestly unsure how I’ve survived up until now. It’s in these deep moments of doubt and darkness that I’m reminded of the light you once were, and still are. You, Tyler, are the reason I’m still here. You, are the reason I keep going. You, are my main purpose in this life. It is because of you I can ‘thank my lucky stars’ and ‘count my blessings’. God had a plan and a purpose for your life, and the best part of it all is that it included me and your Father. You opened our eyes to an entirely new world. Without you son, we’d still be wandering this Earth more lost than we’ve ever been.

This last year has molded and shaped us into people we hope that you’d want us to be. We’ve hit many bumps along the way but always seem to find a way back to you, together. Without you I don’t feel as if we could have done it.

As I sit and stare at a patch of grass I can’t helpĀ but wonder why I was deprived of looking at your angelic face. Watching you crawl, walk, and talk. What’s the overall lesson we are to take away from your life, and oh so unfortunate death?

My heart hurts a little deeper today thinking back to where we were in this exact moment one year ago. My sweet Tyler, if we had known, things would have been so incredibly different. We would have said no to all of the needles, the tests, and just loved you unconditionally without end.

Many don’t understand what it’s like to be the parent of a child who is no longer walking among us. Just because they aren’t in our arms, or by our sides, the love and parenting doesn’t stop. I will fight until my dying day to spread my little boys legacy just as he deserves. I will continue to allow him to work in the lives of others through myself and Billy’s actions.

At the end of the day, I know that nothing will bring you back. I just hope and pray that you know one day, we will return to you. February 4, 2016 will forever be burned into my mind, and not a moment will pass that I won’t wish we couldn’t freeze frame time in those hours, days, and weeks before you left us. We love you Tyler, with every ounce of our being.

XO – until we meet again, my love.

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