Coming back.

I have been far from perfect over these last few years. I’ve been angry, bitter, and selfish. I have cursed God and life on Earth. I’ve struggled with mental distress again, and again. I’m human. I’m a mother missing one of her children. I’m a spouse that’s felt less than loved and appreciated. I’m a daughter who has failed to have the right words or wisdom when they were needed most. I’m an outsider who just never quite seems to fit in, no matter how hard I try.

Usually words come so easily to me, yet lately I’ve felt void of what to say. I feel as though I’ve been broken down and defeated. My heart is being pulled back, while the rest of me feels and sees so many reasons to smile. It’s as if the weight of the world sits on my shoulders at times. I’ve come to realize these last three years I haven’t been me. I’ve been mean, I’ve been ugly, depressed, and riddled with anxiety. Not anymore.

Starting today, I’m taking my life back. God speaks to us in the most random ways. We must simply listen. Today I felt the love of a boy who I haven’t seen or held in over two years. A ‘stranger’ from our second home away from home, reached out to me and reminded me that I am strong. She had no idea the impact her comment would have. I truly believe she found me under Gods will. I’ve been missing Tyler in a strange way lately and that was just what I needed to know he’s still around. I yearned to know he’s still thought of and loved. My answer came directly to me, with a notification and all.

I apologize to those I’ve wronged along the way. The people I’ve closed off and shut out. The friends I should have held in better contact with. I simply let the circumstances of life defeat me on a regular basis. This journey has taught me so much, it’s impossible to convey the depths of each emotion I go through day to day. I’m grateful for this life and for the wonderful blessings I’ve been awarded. I often worry that each day will be my last, so as I move forward, I plan to live as if it is. I want to soak in the sun, cherish the love that surrounds me, and give others hope. I want my daughter to know she is loved beyond measure and has changed my life in the best of ways.

As often as I’m told that “I’m strong”, I want to be able to feel it for myself. I want to stand up and acknowledge it. I want to give that strength to others when they’re feeling weak.

We all leave an imprint on this world, I hope mine is one of compassion. I never want to make another person feel less than exceptional. I want to help others find their way when they’re feeling lost or alone. I want to make a difference in the lives of others!

If you’ve ever felt broken down and defeated, know that I am here. I can listen, share, or give feedback. I’ve seen the depths of ‘ugly’ in this world through many forms and would love nothing more than to help you through your time of need.

Tyler, my son, is worth all of the stars in the sky. He has reminded me yet again, that this life is only temporary. What better way to spend my brief time here than by loving others. I’m following his lead, and his little push. I’m starting over as ME. The me I knew so long ago before the people and circumstances of this broken world brought me down. With God as my witness and T as my guide, I will not fail.

So, thank you. Thank you to those who have lifted me up, showed me unconditional love, and still speak his name. It’s an eye opener and so humbling to know Tyler is still working within you. Thank you to those who have pushed me down when what I needed was lifting up, to those who have walked away, and those who try to control my grief. Because of you, I found this strength and I’ve seen first hand exactly who I don’t want to become.

May new journeys, happiness, and self love be in my future!

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