June 1st.

Another month begins with the painful reminder that you’re not here to experience it with us. My life has completely crumbled around me over the last week. Just as I take two steps forward I’m pushed back with such a force that it would knock an elephant to the ground without hesitation.

I woke up to news on Memorial Day that yet another family has been forced to face this awful pain within our community. I want nothing more than to reach for her, hug her so tight that she can’t breath and let her know she is not alone. I want to introduce her to the wonderful people that have graciously welcomed me and my grief into their lives. The ones who will always allow me to speak about Tyler’s life, even if it’s through tear filled eyes. I want her to know there are people who understand, although it doesn’t seem like it right now.

Facing our move at the end of this year frightens me. Having to explain myself to others who haven’t been around to know what’s happening. Meeting new families who will likely ask if we have any children out of habit and natural curiosity when meeting someone new. How am I to respond in these situations? If I cry, I frighten people and make them uncomfortable. I don’t aim to make others antsy when talking about our baby boy. He made such a huge impact on our lives that it comes naturally. So much love and adoration for such a tiny little man.

As a bereaved mother for almost four months now, all I know about myself is that I’m afraid. I’m so terrified of living my life without Tyler, I’m afraid of what’s to come when we are placed in a new surrounding with new people. I’m afraid that I’ll never see my baby again. I’m afraid to go back to work and face those who knew me through my entire pregnancy.

I feel like at this point in my life the world around me has resumed normal activity. People have moved on with their lives. I don’t know how to do this, and I’m not sure I ever will. I feel like so many people have forgotten the life changing loss that we have suffered and look down on me for having not picked myself back up yet. I know that Tyler will never be forgotten but I fear that the pain of his loss will. It’s impossible to express the agony you feel on a daily basis after losing such a vital part of your life. A life that you and your spouse/significant other have created. It’s a pain that I do not wish upon anyone, but pray that “outsiders” understand it will not ever leave those of us who have suffered through the death of their child.

I ask that you please be patient with us, open your heart to understandstanding and pray. Even now, approaching that four month milestone… Nothing fills my heart more than to know that we’re thought about and prayed for. That others hold enough love for us and baby Tyler to remember us during their quiet time with the Lord.

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Learning to live again.

As minutes, hours, days and months go by I feel my pain has yet to subside. I know I’ve smiled and laughed since Tyler left this world. However, the overall joy behind it all hasn’t felt genuine. This weekend we’ve kept busy, we’ve gathered with friends, saw a movie, had a nice dinner together and tried to just enjoy life again. I must admit – when I’m with my husband, is when I feel my safest. He’s there when I need him, he doesn’t judge me when the tears begin to fall and he is the only other person in this world that has the title of Tyler’s parent. Our grief process may be drastically different but we somehow always know exactly how to comfort the other in our dark moments.

I’ve recently stumbled onto a group of bereaved mothers as well. Their stories and optimism through such troubling times gives me hope for our future. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting women from all over the world who are going through the same things that we are, at this very moment. I get to see their beautiful angels and share pictures of my own. I am a firm believer in the fact that no one truly knows how deep this pain is unless they themselves have faced it. I know its inevitable that throughout this journey Billy and I both will likely lose friends, as well as make some new ones. It’s sad that when such a tragedy occurs others don’t know how to deal with the situation so they instead ignore it. I am however grateful for the wonderful women that have reached out to me and shared their stories. I’ve made what I feel will be life-long connections with some and just simply enjoyed talking to others. Their courage, ability and will to push on astound me daily.

We’ve made the plunge and decided to follow through with genetic testing in case we are ever ready to try and make baby T a big brother. The thought scares me beyond belief. I feel as though by taking that step I’m somehow trying to replace my precious boy. I also fear that if we were to ever have another child, I wouldn’t be able to love them in the same way that I love sweet Tyler. I know that only time will tell, but I do ask that you keep us in your prayers.

It’s been 108 days since we were able to hold our son. Each day that number will grow from now until our time here is done. My heart never stops longing for him and I know, never will. I pray that with one day at a time and one foot in front of the other, I can spread Tyler’s legacy all over this world and keep his memory alive. After all, each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world.

Thoughts.

As our move approaches later this year I think about the fact that baby Tyler’s room will have to come down. Im in no way ready for this. Although he didn’t spend hardly any time in his own little space, it’s still his, and it’s still so special to sit around all of his things. Used or not. It reminds me of the love he had from family and friends. I knew that eventually this was something that would have to be done, I’m just not sure I’ll be ready when the time comes and were forced to do it without question.

Last week my step father was taken into the ICU for chest pains and high blood pressure. He’s now facing a quadruple heart bypass later this week. I wish so badly I could wrap my arms around my family and rid everyone of all their pain. I feel like we’ve gone through enough suffering in the past year to last us a lifetime. I know he is frightened as well as the rest of us for his safety.

After hearing his diagnosis and treatment plan, I crumbled. Is this really happening again? Why does everyone around us seem to be having heart troubles? An even bigger question was, why if they have high hopes of correcting his problems could they not correct Tyler’s? My very raw and unhealed wound was ripped right back open for all the world to see. I dont understand why Tyler wasn’t given his 2nd chance as many other children, men and women have.

All I know at this point is that I have to continue to try and have faith. Christianity is a very blind faith and if I follow the path of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior I must come to accept that I’ll never have answers to some of my infinite questions. For those I feel can be answered, I will search. I do not plan to turn a blind eye to what’s happened to us. I want to fight for my sons life, even if it means now, after he’s gone. I want to fight for children in the same shoes that our precious boy was in, and try to help save a life that doesn’t have to leave this world just yet. I want to fight for so many things in this world with God by my side helping me along the way. Showing me when to stand up and when to back down.

We live in a very broken world filled with hate and crime. I choose not to succumb to this evil. I want to love those who may not even like me, I want to give when I can and expect nothing in return. I want to live a life so pure so that when its my time to go, I can be proud of all I’ve done, my son can be proud of my accomplishments and God can smile as I enter into his kingdom of heaven.