I wake up everyday and wonder when the constant pain will stop. People seem to think that just because I pull myself together and face the world that my heart has healed. I’m always at a loss when I see someone and they excitedly ask how I am. How do I respond to such a question? Tell them how I really feel? My heart has been ripped into shreds, I’m forced to face a reality that no one ever dreams of, and I miss my baby more than you’ll ever be able to comprehend. I can’t put people in such an awkward position, it’s not in my nature and it’s not who I am. I normally just smile and say “as best as can be expected”. What is expected though? What is it that people think I SHOULD be doing or thinking at this point in my grief?
If I could, I would just curl up with Tyler’s things and never leave the house. I would put up walls and build a little safe haven in our home with everything that matters to me; where I can keep it safe and protected. I have friends. In fact, I have some fantastic friends. Friends that I’ve found in the most unlikely of places and oddly enough have never met face to face. I have a supportive family and a husband who would do anything for me. So why? Why am I still unable to pull myself together and move forward? Everyone tells me it’s what Tyler would want. If that’s so, shouldn’t I be running full force ahead with all of my might?
This year has shoved the word loss into my face. It’s shown me that no matter what we seem to think, tomorrow is NEVER promised. I learned that sometimes people’s ‘dark places’ grab hold of them and pull them so far down that they’re unable to bring themselves back to the light. I’ve learned that if you love someone you should remind them daily. Never make anyone feel like they are useless or unappreciated. I think most importantly I’ve learned that no matter what someone looks like on the outside you never truly know the pain they may be facing on the inside. Essentially what we’ve been taught since grade school, never judge a book by its cover.
I miss my baby boy more than he knows. I pray that God helps to ease this suffering and tells Tyler all about his mom and dad, daily. Rest easy little one, we’ll be there soon.