Grief.

Without it, they say there is no love lost. This emotion is one with great impact. Impact to change your outlook on life, on love, and on self value. Some of you reading this may know my story, others may not. I’ve had the greatest blessing anyone could ever wish for, one that many people spend their entire adult life praying for, a beautiful child. My very own baby boy, the tiniest of humans that would set us on a new journey and make our lives complete.

On January 8, 2016 at 3:23am, my water broke. I was 39 weeks and 2 days into my pregnancy. This little one was coming, ready or not! I remember sitting up in bed thinking about how my life was about to change, about the new adventures my husband, myself and our two dogs would soon embark on with this little miracle. It’s funny how something so natural can be so empowering! I was going to do this, I was going to bring Tyler Matthew Newton into this world!

Skip ahead two epidurals, birthing balls, nice strolls around the L&D unit, a countless supply of ice chips and 33 hours plus 15 minutes later, and he was finally here! This perfect little bundle of joy came out looking identical to his father, and we couldn’t be happier.

What they say is true, you don’t know what love at first sight is until you’ve held your baby for the first time. I never would have believed it until I experienced this for myself. This little boy was OURS. We made him. I felt like my purpose in life had just been fulfilled.

To our surprise not even 24 hours later, our perfect world would be shattered. Tyler was diagnosed with Congenital Heart Disease (CHD). So began the medical terms that no one understood, sleepless nights and countless tears. I had failed my baby. The one person who depends on me most in this world was born with a bad heart, and he was formed inside me. It was MY job to take care of myself and of him so that he would come out happy and healthy. The pain that came with this tragic news was crippling.

After weeks of agonizing doctor appointments (with all the wrong people) and watching our little man suffer through IV sticks and echocardiograms, the decision was finally made. The ARMY was sending us to Fort Hood, Texas where Tyler was to be seen on a regular basis by a pediatric cardiologist. Our private flight landed around 4:00pm on February 3rd and we were immediately taken to Carl R. Darnall Army Medical Center. There we said our goodbyes to the “bald eagles” – our medevac crew. Who I must say, were some of the most amazing men we’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. Their genuine concern for our son and love for helping others was truly inspirational.

We were cleared to take Tyler back to the Fisher house where we were staying until his appointment the next morning. We had no idea that this would be our last night with the most precious gift God ever gave us.

On February 4th at 3:44pm Tyler took his last breath. Our world came crashing down, everything we had known and believed in had seemed to fail us in that moment.

Grief. How do you handle this when the love you lost was the strongest love you had ever known? No amount of screaming, crying or sitting in shock over the loss we just experienced; helped the pain we felt. All we were left with was this grief. A mysterious word that everyone seemed to use but not actually know the meaning of. The truth of it is, grief isn’t something that I can describe that YOU or anyone else reading this entry can relate to, because it rears its ugly head differently for all of us.

 

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