Sadness.

“They say now you’re in a better place, and I would be too if I could see your face. You should be here.” – Cole Swindell

1

Tyler Matthew

It’s amazing what a song can do to completely change your mood. Music is such a powerful tool. The lyrics above seem to speak to my soul.

These last two days have been excruciating. Not only was yesterday Tyler’s 3 month “birthday” but my heart has been so heavy with missing him. Friday morning I woke up and was paralyzed by the pain I felt after looking over at his picture. Such a gorgeous little man who was taken from the world all too soon. I keep reading stories about families that have experienced this same pain and seem to still find hope in the midst of such chaos. I wish so badly I could be that person. I have so many ideas about where I want my life to head right now, but it seems to have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way.

I cry. A LOT. I know that’s okay, but I also want to be the mom who honors her child by living for him. How do I do that when I myself have forgotten how to live? There are no words to express the feeling you have when your world is taken from you. I was recently told that I should consider getting back into a routine. What I don’t think others realize is that THIS is my new routine, as sad as it may seem. I can’t take my life back to what it was before Tyler. Lets face it, life will forever be different. Filled with extreme emotional reactions to things that seem minuscule to outsiders looking in.

So, what do you do when you can’t breathe? When you don’t want to get out of bed and face the world? How about going back into a society that appears to have no clue there is a very important person missing from it? I wish so badly I had all the answers to these questions. For now its all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I pray that soon my family finds some comfort. I know that one day I’ll be living for Tyler like I dream to, but for now I’m mourning him.

I have to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day, a day that I will hopefully be blessed enough to experience. So many people are left with regrets and I’m slowly coming around to the idea of ‘I don’t want to be that person’ – I CAN’T be that person. I need to be a beacon of hope for all of those that follow behind us in this gut wrenching journey. The world does not stop turning because we’re sad or we’re hurting. God does not leave us in our weakest moments, he carries us. I need to carry Tyler. Carry him in my heart and know that in reality, he never left me. His vessel did, his spirit did not. I aim to spread his love to everyone I meet and greet each day with a positive outlook.

 

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