Three months. It’s been three months since I’ve smelled you, seen you or held you in my arms. Three months since I’ve felt the rise and fall against my chest with each breath you took. For three gut wrenching months, I’ve lived without you.
I don’t know how I manage to crawl out of bed most mornings. My nights and days feel so incredibly empty without you here next to me. As Mother’s Day slowly creeps up, I’m brutally reminded of all the loss we have suffered as a family this year. Today, May 4th marks three months since Tyler left us, Sunday, May 8th will be my first Mother’s Day and yet I’m unable to mother my child. Followed by May 9th, the day Tyler should have turned 4 months old. I know his loss will remain a life long struggle, but this first year is filled with so many milestones that we as a family are unable to celebrate. It’s a constant reminder of what we’ve lost.
I have good days and I have bad days, like any normal person. I also have horrendous days. Days where I look at a photo of my angel baby and I feel completely abandoned; by my faith, by medical care and the world in general. I have so many questions that have been left unanswered. Why, Tyler? Why our family? He was so wanted, and so loved from the moment we knew of his existance.
I’ve read every self help book out there to try and wrap my mind around what’s happened to us. What am I supposed to learn from all of this pain? What is my purpose in life? Why did God believe I was strong enough to handle so much heartache? All questions that again, I’ll likely never have answers to. Living with such a blind faith is one of the most troubling things to face when these questions arise.
One thing I do know is that my life is forever changed. I had the honor to love my little boy, fiercely and endlessly for 27 glorious days. I will always love him. Near or far, he will always be my baby. Tyler Matthew will remain in my heart until my dying day, and I pray that with my last breath, I rejoice in the anticipation of seeing him again. I will then set aside all of these questions, I will have overcome my anger with God and I will have lived the life that Tyler would have wanted me to.
So, when that moment comes I have no doubt that I’ll be surrounded by the endless love of our Father, whom I have so much frustration towards in this moment; but am again shown the greatest blessing he will ever bestow upon my life, my angel, Tyler.